Friday, January 28, 2011

Its a new day

A time has past since the infamous defeat. the ridicule and disappointment has still not Left me. A close friend of mine summed up the sentiment recently: we would never have been able to speak to you had you have won!!!!!! haha. i wonder if that isn't very true or not. To be honest the strange thing is i feel twice as strong physically now as i did on the night of the fight. i defiantly over trained, i think to that there is no doubt. i was warned about it but when i do something i really do go hammer and tongs and cant just do something slowly. i over judge the strength of my body and self and believe that i can do anything and probably i pushed myself to far...

To be honest the biggest thing i missed was this... the constant ability to write what i was thinking . its a pretty good therapy to vent all of your thoughts at the end of the day into the world wide web. The funny thing was i thought no one was reading it. it s only when i was finished i realised how many people were actually reading it. i suppose its a strange thing to read somebody Else's thoughts. not only to properly open up and write them down which is pretty mental in the first place but actually read somebodies inner most secrets and feelings. you almost feel like you are cheating on that person. you are in their head i suppose. somewhere you should not be. you are trespassing. so what does that say about me? maybe i need this to explain myself. the reason i am who am. the reason i do what i do...i have no filter anyway. i say stuff you think. i say stuff you don't dare to say. i find stuff that is funny but shouldn't be.... that's not my fault and i don't apologise for it. grow some balls and think it yourself.

Anyway so day one of this finds me sitting at home on a friday evening sitting here bored. remembering the days i used to get so high even god was beneath me in the cellar. still trying to work my arse off in the gym to become the best footballer in the world and still believing i can be. I never wanted a life in a box. i always wanted to play football. i still want that. at some point i have to let go of the dream and work with what i have . the problem is everything i want to do has no money in it.. it sucks!!!!

so off to bed now and sleep. dreams of how to pay off all my debts and how to get through tomorrow looms... nothing is easy but how fun would life be if it was simple?

sleep is good,,,,not just for the weak.....